I don’t want to only write articles when I am angry or depressed.  I don’t want to only be creative when I am “inspired.”  I don’t want to be frantically doing my schoolwork the day before it’s due because I keep putting it off for just one more day.

I feel like my problem isn’t due to mere procrastination.  I don’t think it is because – as I have been told my entire life – I am lazy, or unmotivated.  I don’t think it is because I don’t want something bad enough.  To be lazy, you need to, perversely, be actively invested in not doing anything.  I really want to do something, anything, but it just seems to not happen.  I don’t want to be lazy.  It is the last thing in the world I want to be.  I am not unmotivated – quite to the contrary, the thought of having to go back to a job like my last one is the most motivating thing I can think of.  I am motivated to do so many things, and these things, I want so badly.  I really dislike the thinking that if you make excuses, or if you don’t try, you obviously don’t deserve it.  Sometimes, excuses are perfectly valid.  Sometimes, you can try all you want, but you will never achieve your dream.

At the beginning of the year I set myself some goals, several things I want to achieve.  Last week, I didn’t post anything, so I ‘failed’ in one of my goals.

It started off with a test on Tuesday morning.  On the weekend, I knew I had to study for that test.  Because that was my Important Thing I Had To Do, I could not focus on anything else until I got that done.  But the more important something is, the more resistant I seem to be to actually doing it.  And since I have to do that before doing anything else of substance, such as studying for French or writing an article, and since I keep putting off that time when I should start studying, I just waste my time watching television or aimlessly browsing the internet or playing games.  When I have to study, when I tell myself I have to study, I just don’t get anything done, and it’s not that refreshing my reader is a greater draw than whatever it is I am putting off.  Its only attraction is that it is not the thing I “should” be doing.  This is a convoluted mess, sorry.

To put it another way:  Say I have an essay due on Monday, a test on Tuesday, and another essay on Thursday.  I know that I should work on Monday’s essay, but I don’t particularly like the topic.  Instead of cutting my losses, writing something pathetic for that and instead spending my time constructively studying for the test and working on my other essay, I put off everything until the last minute simply because I have it in my mind that I should work the hardest on Monday’s essay since it is due first.  Destructive habit number one.

So last week, my test that I had to study for threw everything else off course.  I didn’t post on Monday, as I didn’t write anything because I should have been studying for my test.  (Instead I played Hello Kitty Online all weekend.)  I didn’t post on Wednesday, because I didn’t like what I had written, and it was so terrible and I just couldn’t fix it in time and what is the point in even trying when everything I do sucks?  (Destructive habit number two.)  Then, I didn’t post on Friday, even though I had most of the post done, because I hadn’t posted on Monday and Wednesday and I had not achieved what I had set out to achieve so there was not much point trying to make it up now (destructive habit number three.)  Lastly, I didn’t post on Sunday because I hadn’t posted all week so I might as well just start fresh the following week and “make it up” then (not so destructive but not very healthy either.)

It’s a cycle, and it often starts off with the little things.

I notice my nails are chipped and I need to redo them, or I need to dye my roots, or my elbows are getting a little scaly and I should moisturise them.  So I write these things down on my to-do list, and then don’t get around to doing any of it.  Soon my chipped nails are taunting me – “You can’t even take five minutes out of your un-busy schedule to do us, what hope have you of actually doing anything important?” I’ve failed at completing the small tasks I’ve set out for myself, so how on earth can I tackle the big things?  My to-do list is written over and over, I have to do x, y, z, underlined several times, I become more and more desperate by the things I am not doing that I should be doing.  I write an exact itinerary of what my day is going to be, from waking until bed, but then I might wake up too tired or it is raining so I can’t go for a run, and if I can’t complete the first or the second or the third item on my list, who am I kidding that I can complete the rest?

I work myself up into a state and I just feel so guilty and so full of self-loathing that I know that I should just give it all up and get a horrid office job and never try at anything ever again, because at least then I wouldn’t have to suffer from All The Things I Didn’t Do But I Should Have.

I don’t choose to be like that and I would love not to be.  I have tried so hard to break out of this cycle, to get things done when I want to do them, to not panic and hate myself if I don’t, to not resolve to fail on a regular basis.  Lists obviously don’t work for me.  I really, really dislike the whole “positive thinking” and affirmations stuff.  Perhaps where I get tripped up in trying to break out of this is that it is a fundamental aspect of my personality that if I can’t do it myself, obviously I can’t do it at all.  Thus, I can never ask for help from anyone.

I don’t want to post on this website when I am all het up about something or when I am miserable.  Neither of these states are very pleasant ot be in, and I don’t particularly like writing whiny, self-indulgent posts all the time.  But writing is an outlet for these emotions, and when I am happy I just don’t feel like writing at all.  That is something that I want to break.  I should do things when I don’t feel like doing them because if I waited until I did (like how I do now) I know that I would never get anything done.

I don’t want to write stories or draw only when I am feeling creative, because again that is a rare occurence.  I want to get ot the point where I just do it, and I work through the awful stage where everything I write is trite and I can’t even draw a straight line, I want to be able to work through that and get to the point where I start creating great things through hard work, not divine inspiration.

I want to study every night because it is a habit, not a necessary chore.

I want to work at making all my big dreams happen, instead of writing lists of what I need to do and then forgetting where I leave them.

These are a lot of wants, however, and one of my problems is that I try to take on more than I am able to accomplish.  So this week, I have two goals:

1.  Be nicer to myself.  If I don’t achieve something, I will not chastise myself, feel guilty, or mope because I am a “failure.”

2.  Spend fifteen minutes per day working on each of my goals.  Fifteen minutes is not a lot of time, but it is small enough that I can do it, and it is fifteen minutes more than what I am doing now.

I am very self-critical, as I feel that if I don’t criticise what I do, how can I get any better?  But I need to figure out where the line is between constructive and destructive criticism.  This is not a specific goal, but something I need to keep in mind every time I comment on something I do or how I behave.

Small things, small steps.

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