To be honest, I wasn’t going to write this post or any others, ever again. I was going to quietly dismantle everything and put it away, without even a dramatic “Farewell, Internet!” post. On Friday I packed up all my drawing stuff, and it is sitting in a box on my floor waiting for me to take out to the garage (it is very heavy!)
I then changed my mind and wrote a wah wah tl;dr woe is me post about my mopey moods and how I hate writing when I am in these moods, because everything that comes out is so depressing. The reason why I was going to pack everything up and just quit this website, was because I knew that if I sat down to write something it would be negative again. I would really like to do a positive post, but at the moment it would just ring false to me. The superficial (to me) posts I used to do that were a bit tra-la – I deleted them because I felt they were a lie I was making up to try and make my website like other websites. Who wants to read about the sad stuff? People just want to read happy thoughts and see happy photos! Like anything else, blogs and personal websites only show the person as they choose to appear. I am not really drear and dour all the time. It’s just when I am happy and having fun, I don’t bother chronicling it, I would rather live it! When I am miserable, I would rather agonise over it for hours. Then write about it. Whenever I try and write something upbeat, it just seems trite and forced. I don’t really want to force happiness, but what other way is there of achieving it?
Have I ever mentioned my boyfriend is a mean bully? He refuses to let me submit to these moods and nuzzles me and cajoles me until I giggle again. After spending a weekend with him, I am feeling a lot better about life. Actually, maybe not about life in general, particularly the future, but just this moment, right now. However, I only see him on the weekends, so I have all the rest of the week to worry and obsess over the bleak future of my own making. I cannot rely on him as my only means to get out of these headspaces. I haven’t figured out how to, efficiently, as once I do start these thinking patterns I don’t want to get out of them. It is so much easier to just give up than to try at anything. I don’t particularly want to medicate or “talk” to someone, either, so it would be a waste of time suggesting it. Thank you anyway.
My current problem, which didn’t have anything to do with my Mood but which is definitely affected by it: I don’t really have “friends” in the sense of “people you hang out with and do stuff with.” I have a lot of acquaintances that I talk to at university, but I don’t spend time with them outside of university. I spend my weekends with my boyfriend, and I would not trade that for anything. He is my best friend as well as the person who has exclusive rights to touch my giny. I really like getting my sleep, so I dislike going out and staying up late on weekdays. I don’t drink alcohol or coffee, which is what 95% of socialising in university is. Being around people in a social context freaks me out. I am constantly worried that I am too quiet or too talkative, that I am not funny or interesting, that I am boring, and consequently I always have a dreadful time. I really only have two friends who get this, and that I can be relaxed with, and they are both overseas.
In my sad-days my life plan does not involve socialising at all. But when I am not in my sad-days, I sometimes entertain the idea that maybe it might be fun. I don’t mean that I am lonely without friends, I am quite happy being a semi-hermit, but sometimes I think it may be an interesting change. May be, but I would never ask somebody if they want to spend time with me because I am always paranoid that though they may like hanging out at university, they don’t want to take the relationship further. This paranoia was kind of confirmed in a small class I was in last semester. We all got along really well – at least, I thought we did, until I heard a group of them talking about comments they had left on each other’s Facebooks. None of them had added me, and it just reaffirmed my weird belief that there is something wrong with me, that I am not “friend material”.
The reason why I am bringing this up, is there are a couple of people at university that I like spending time with and who I think may like spending time with me (I think. But I have been proven wrong in the past.) Last week I was invited to hang out with them at their sporadically-weekly event, and I thought that would be a nice idea, maybe. My mini freak-out put paid to that idea. In my avalanching plans on how to ensure that I will be as miserable as possible, I had decided to never spend any time at university where I would run into these people, or anybody, to ensure I had a minimal amount of contact with anybody who could make me happy. Even now that I am out of The Mood, I don’t really want to go. But I kind of do. I just don’t know what to do. Don’t know don’t know don’t know.
Second to lastly, nobody who reads this cares, but I got my Annuminas horse on my captain on Saturday, oh yes! Now I have to figure out what outfit would go with it, since neither of my current ones really match.
It is quite depressing that my greatest achievement recently has been acquiring a bunch of pixels that actually, even in-game, are purely cosmetic and have no practical use.
And lastly, I had an idea today for an OMGZ POSITIVE post next week. I am quite excited about it, but I will actually have to work at it and keep that enthusiasm up for it this week. Also my mood is the reason why I didn’t do an Illustration Friday post last week. I started drawing an actual comic for it but I spent the whole week wasting time because I wasn’t motivated to do anything, let alone draw. I am still undecided whether I want to continue drawing or not. I’ll see how I feel/how much university work I get done this week.
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please don’t vanish from the internet! any post from you makes my day better. firstly, you make me realise that i’m not the only one who feels moody/socially awkward/friendless. secondly, your posts always make me think. and that’s never a bad thing!
1. You are one of my favourite people-who-I’ve-never-met-but-would-kind-of-like-to-meet. Please don’t disappear. I would be sad (so would Shannon).
2. Judging from my blog, I am fairly mopey, dismally minded individual…but I only post when I feel like it. If I’m happy, I’ll talk it out, I write when I’m in a quieter, reflective mood. It’s maybe a little self indulgent, but it’s my inter-space and if I want to, I can.
3. I talk too much, or not at all. I get incredibly nervous around people I don’t know well. But, it’s me, I can only be myself. And people seem to handle it ok. They don’t usually run and scream, or audibly grind their teeth..
4. You are not boring. I think you’re several kinds of wonderful, and I know that I’m not the only one.
5. The horse is purdy.
6. Please excuse all and any poor grammar/ gibberish, in this comment. My brain is a bit mushy today. It needs coffee.
I never cease to be happily surprised when I discover someone in the blog world who feels the same way I feel or have felt. Other people have similar emotions to me – who would have thought! When I was at uni I used to organise meetings with people that I liked, then have total freak outs when it just wasn’t possible for me to socialise – I would be uber unhappy and just talk myself out of any social situation possible. I don’t know if it helps at all, but I have a bit of an idea how you feel, and it sucks salty balls.
I really like your blog and your writing style. I hope that you have some happy times coming your way :)
Don’t go away! I love your posts because in the sparkly blogosphere, yours are actually worth reading, even when you’re in The Mood. I am not just saying that.
Go out with those guys, I think you really should, because I completely understand the worrying about, well, long story short, “fitting in”. You can’t really know until you try, and if you do, it can’t be such a bad experience that you completely regret it. It’s better than not knowing and wondering, right?
I personally like the darker outfit but that’s just me. I play rpgs sometimes…what ever the boyfriend is playing he’ll create an account for me and i’ll play. Age of Conan/WarHammer/Luna
I always chose to be an archer hahaha ^. ^
Post about what you want to post about it doesn’t always have to be happy, on my other blog where I just post stuff I’m thinking about or like that the moment I’ve ranted about stuff.
I send you virtual hug and virtual big cookie!! I hope you have a good week! <3
If you decide to leave after me discovering your blog this very same day, I will be a sad puppy indeed :( I’m not gonna lie, one of your old entries was linked during all this kerfluffle about the pink-headed-one, and a browse around has told me that you’re exactly the type of person that I enjoy most. Your entries are about things I can relate to and/or find pleasure in the fact that they are being discussed (“This Is Not A Fashion Blog,” “Heightism In Advertising!,” and “If I Didn’t Have A Boyfriend I Think I’d Like To Be A Slut,” to name a few.) You’re a real person, and the fact that you show that gives me not someone to idolize, but someone to be friends with. I like that.
You are normal. Seriously.
It sounds like you’re just a textbook introvert. I’m not sure I see a problem, really. :/
Iused to feel exactly the same way at university. It was ok while I leived with other students becasue that generally meant I could tag along when they went out but when I moved in with my boyfriend I felt as if I had no friends. I still find it hard to make new friends. Reading the comments here I think you can can conclude that you are normal. I go between accepting every invitation out (becasue it measn people like me!!) and wishing that I could stay home forever.
the only way you will know for sure is too accept invitations,if it works ok if it doesn’t thats ok too.
The horse need some reins.
@Gem – Aw thanks. I love your blog too, it’s nice to know there are others going through the same feelings you are.
@Beth – If I ever get my act together and come down to Wellington I will let you know!
@Adele – I figured out the source of much of my unhappiness this week, and even though I can’t ‘fix’ it for awhile I feel so much better knowing I am on the way to it! I know what you mean about trying to get out of any social situation, but it can be difficult when people are insistent…
@Zmaga – Thank you! I didn’t make it this time, but I have a standing invitation (it’s a weekly event) so I will try harder to go to another one.
@pinkapplecore – I might change the colour of the pants though, I don’t like the burgundy with the brown (like it matters…) I tried AoC but wasn’t too keen on it, although have a nearly-naked character was pretty neat. My first character on LotRO was an archer (hunter) hobbit, so cute! Although there’s a lot of hate against them, because it’s what all the newbs play because they want to be like Legolas.
@Autumn – Thanks! I have to say, I would be pretty uncomfortable about being idolised, and friends are way more fun than minions!
@Erin – I know, but when everyone around you is talking about going clubbing and getting drunk it can be hard to remember that. I am sure there are lots of people like me, unfortunately that would mean they are near-hermits too so I will never meet them haha.
@Elise – Because I have felt all my life that it is wrong to be introverted (whether through familial pressures or societal influences.) Also, I sometimes feel that I would like to go out and that I would have a fun time, but I am so caught up in remembrances of times I went out and I didn’t enjoy myself, that I miss out on the chance. And that it is something I agonise over when it seems so easy to make a decision to others? (not that I am saying it is, only that it seems to be.)
@midorigreen – Oh yes, I am torn between declining invitations and being happy I get them because it means that people like me! I know that I am normal, and it is nice to know that other people can sometimes find it difficult to socialise too.
@syntax – I know it annoys me but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about it :\
I’ve been meaning to comment on your blog for a while now, but have never thought of anything productive to say. But I loved this post so much, just for the simple reason I could relate to it beyound belief. I loved this “I am not really drear and dour all the time. It’s just when I am happy and having fun, I don’t bother chronicling it, I would rather live it! When I am miserable, I would rather agonise over it for hours. Then write about it.” because thats exactly how I feel. I keep a diary and its full of pages and pages of depressing rantings, and when I read it back I think ‘but I AM happy sometimes, I just don’t write about it’.
Anyway, I’m sorry I can’t think of anything a bit better to say, but I just wanted to let you know that I hope you continue to write a blog as I really enjoy reading it. xx